


Day 2: "That's not what I meant"

by LuciaStrawberry



Series: Pynch Week 2018 [2]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Established Relationship, F/M, Fighting, Fluff, Hurt, I don't kno, It's a fucking mess, M/M, Post-The Raven King, break-up?, new to love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 07:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15408123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuciaStrawberry/pseuds/LuciaStrawberry
Summary: Day 2: "That's not what I meant"Adam and Ronan are both new to love and it is only a matter of time until one of them does something stupid





	Day 2: "That's not what I meant"

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this mess. Show me my mistakes!

Almost two months passed after Gansey's death. All of them came out of it with new scars, new nightmares, new losses. But they also came out with new friends and relationships. Everything was so new and exciting and even though the loss of Noah and the failure of finding Glendower was always present, all of them found comfort in this new stage of their lives.  
Blue and Gansey could finally kiss. And they did. A lot.  
Henry found his place in the group, not replacing Noah. Noah couldn't be replaced.  
Adam and Ronan also kissed, a lot. Both of them new to this kind of relationship, this kind of tenderness and love. It was exciting, exhilarating.  
Ronan had been crushing on Adam for months now and that moment on his birthday when he finally was brave enough to kiss Adam, expecting to ruin one of the two best friendships he ever had, was the happiest in his life so far because he didn't ruin anything. Adam kissed him back. And he even came on the porch and kissed Ronan himself. And now they were boyfriends. Ronan still had a hard time believing that. And he knew it was only a matter of time until he blew it. 

They laid on Ronan's bed, their legs tangled, Adam's head on Ronan's shoulder, Ronan playing with Adam's fingers. It was a relaxed evening, only one week until Christmas. Adam only had to work in the factory, as Boyd closed the garage until after the holidays, and school has been easy on him too, so he had a lot of time to spend with his boyfriend. Well, Ronan wasn't complaining.  
When Adam had come to the barns after school they'd spend an hour making out on Ronan's bed, but stopped before it got too heated. Neither of them was ready to take the next step.  
Ronan stroked Adam's slim fingers and looked down to where Adam laid relaxed on his shoulder, dusty hair falling in his relaxed face. _Now_ , Ronan thought. He cleared his throat and Adam opened his eyes and tried to look up at Ronan.  
“So, I was thinking...”, Ronan trailed off.  
Adam smirked. “Well done Lynch, I'm proud of you for that revolutionary step you took there.”  
Ronan glared at Adam. “Shut up, I'm serious.”  
That made Adam sit up, Ronan instantly missed the warmth. “What is it?”, Adam asked with a serious face.  
Ronan sat up too and leaned back against the headboard. He ran a hand over his face and looked out of the window. “Relax, it's nothing bad.”  
Adam scoffed. “You won't even look at me. C'mon, you're scaring me.”  
Ronan turned to look at Adam. “No need for you to be scared, Parrish, I promise.”  
“Then spit it out.”  
Ronan nodded and looked out of the window again. “So, next week is Christmas.”  
“Well spotted! What a sharp mind you have.” Adam snorted.  
Ronan groaned. “That's what you get when you fall in love with a sarcastic asshole.”  
Adam grinned. The declaration of love wasn't a new thing, at least not from Ronan's side. Both of them knew from the beginning that Ronan didn't do casually. The first time Ronan said 'I love you' to Adam was just two weeks after they made it official. Adam hadn't said it back yet, but Ronan knew not to pressure him. Love was a stranger thing to Adam than it was to Ronan, who grew up surrounded by people who constantly declared their love. Adam didn't have that advantage.  
“Seriously Ro, what is it?”  
Ronan cleared his throat. “Well, I was thinking, that maybe, you want to join us, me and my brothers, for Christmas. We go to the church and then we decorate the tree together then we bake a fuckload of cookies and while eating them we watch cheesy Christmas movies. And then in the evening, we cook together. It's a tradition. And I thought, that you maybe want to come as..my...boyfriend.”  
The end of that was muffled into his bracelets as he started to chew on them. He looked up at Adam hesitantly. Adam had a gentle smile on his face, although his eyes looked troubled.  
“Of course I'll come, Ro. Thank you for inviting me.”  
Ronan let go of his bracelets and mustered his boyfriend. “Something is bothering you. What is it? Did I do something wrong?”  
Adam shook his head and let out a small laugh. “No, you didn't do anything wrong.”  
“Adam-” Ronan started, but Adam interrupted him with his beautiful finger on Ronan's lips. He bit his lip and looked at Ronan through his long eyelashes.  
“I believe there are better things we could do now than talk about this”, Adam said in a suggestive tone.  
Ronan knew there was something wrong, but he also knew that Adam was stubborn and that he needed time and space to figure himself out. And he knew that he could never say no to Adam looking at him like that, so he grinned and in one swift motion had Adam pinned under him on the bed.  
“You were saying?”  
Adam huffed and rolled his eyes. “Show-off.”  
“Hm, I'm gonna show you what a show-off I am, genius.”  
Adam grinned. “Oh yeah? As far as I know, we are still talking.”  
“Asshole.” And with that Ronan kissed Adam. 

Later that night, after Adam and Ronan each spend their time in the bathroom to 'cool off', Ronan came into his room to find Adam pulling on his shoes.  
“You're not staying?” Ronan couldn't keep the hurt out of his voice.  
Adam looked up at Ronan. “Uh, no, sorry. I have an early shift at the factory tomorrow.”  
“I could drive you there. I'll have to get up early anyway to feed the animals and do other farm shit.”  
Adam sighed and stood up. “Ronan, we talked about this. If you drive me you'll have to get me afterwards too and I don't want that. You need to do stuff and I don't want to be the sort of boyfriend that holds you back. So I will be going to my own apartment now.”  
Adam walked up to Ronan, stood on his toes and pressed a light kiss on Ronan's lips. “I'm sorry, I'll come around tomorrow afternoon though. Good night.”  
With that he turned and walked to the door until he got pulled back by Ronan who pressed another more urgent kiss on Adam's lips. “Drive safe.”  
Adam laughed. “Says you?”  
Ronan just grinned and watched his boyfriend leave his room. He listened until he heard the door downstairs being closed and after that the door of Adam's shitbox of a car that started only seconds after and drove away. 

On Monday Ronan drove to Aglionby to surprise Adam. It was the first time he drove to the school after he went to headmaster Child and told him, among a lot of insults, that he would no longer attend Aglionby. He thought Adam would be happy to see him, but it went not as he suspected.  
He waited in front of the main entrance, leaning against his car and hopefully looking sexy when the bell rang and the students started to rush out of the building. Some of his old classmates saw him and pointed at him, yelling his name and waving. He ignored all of them until Henry showed up in front of him.  
“Well if that isn't our local angry farmer? What brings you into civilization?”  
Ronan glared at Henry, but there wasn't any real heat behind it and both of them knew it. After everything, they went through together Ronan started to actually like Henry, not that he would admit that to anyone, least of all Henry. “I'm waiting for Adam.”  
At that Henry's smile fell. “Oh.”  
Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”  
Suddenly Henry looked extremely uncomfortable. “Yeah, you know, maybe today wasn't the best day for that.”  
Ronan straightened. “What? Why?”  
Henry scratched his neck looking anywhere except at Ronan. “Well, you know-” he cut himself off when he saw something. Ronan followed Henry's eyes and saw Adam next to Gansey.  
Adam noticed Ronan only a second after and the small smile on his face fell instantly. He and Gansey, who also looked very uncomfortable, walked up to Ronan.  
“Ro, what are you doing here?” Adam said in a clipped voice. Ronan just stared at his boyfriend, because around Adam's left eye and cheekbone was an angry looking bruise. That sight threw Ronan back to the days where he had to watch his crush coming to school with bruises every week and suffer not being able to do anything.  
“Wo the fuck hit you?”, he was angry. No, he was more than that. He was fuming, he was a volcano, threatening to erupt. He would destroy whoever hurt _his_ Adam.  
Said boy rolled his eyes. “Relax Ro, it's nothing.”  
Ronan stepped forward and took Adam's face in his hands, careful not to hurt him and examined the bruises until Adam jerked his face away. “Seriously, I'm fine.”  
At that Ronan growled. “You are not fine, you have bruises on your fucking face. Who did it? I'm gonna kill them.”  
“You are not going to kill anybody, you hear me, Ronan?”  
“Just tell me who it was! You can't keep this from me.”  
Now Adam looked pissed. “Why? Because I'm your boyfriend and I have to tell you everything?”  
Ronan ran a hand over his face. “No, because I worry and I want to show this fucker that he better not fuck with my boyfriend.”  
At that Adam snorted, but there was no humor in his face. “Oh my god!”, he pulled at his own hair and took a step backwards. “Okay, first? You wanna know what happened? Some kid here had a problem with me being a 'fag' so he tried to fight me, but apparently many kids here like me and defended me and he got send to the office, so everything is _fine_. Second, why do you feel like you have to defend me and my honor everywhere you go? I can _handle_ myself, Ronan, I have been doing so for all my life even before I started being _your boyfriend_.” Adam's voice was close to yelling now.  
“Well, it doesn't fucking seem like you can handle yourself because it is always you who ends up with bruises because you won't accept my offer to teach you boxing.”  
Adam shook his head. “I don't like fighting, Ronan.”  
“No, you don't like fighting _back_ because all your dad ever taught you was to fucking cower!” Ronan yelled. And as usual, his mouth was faster than his brain. He looked at Adam, eyes wide. Adam looked like Ronan just punched him in the stomach. He took a step back and to Ronan's horror tears started to gather in Adam's eyes. Ronan held his breath. Gansey and Henry, who were still there, looked at Ronan in shock.  
“Oh my _God_!” Adam let out a loud, cold laugh and pulled at his hair again. “What? Do you think that I'm weak? That I just step down because someone tells me to? That I just always follow orders because I grew up with an abusive father? Do you think that I'm not capable of protecting myself because of my father?”  
“That' not what I meant.”  
Adam shook his head. “I am more than my childhood. I am strong, despite not knowing how to fucking box.”  
Ronan took a step forward and reached towards Adam. “Adam-”  
“No”, Adam glared at Ronan. “Fuck you, Ronan. _Fuck. You_.” His voice was quiet and cold. He shook his head and turned around to walk to his car, that Ronan only noticed now was parked only a few spaces away from his own car.  
“Adam wait!”  
Adam whirled around. “Don't! Just...just don't. I can't do this.” His voice broke and he shut his eyes tight before turning around again and heading to his car. Ronan watched in dread as his boyfriend- or ex-boyfriend?- got into his car, started it and drove away, faster than he would do usually.  
For a moment it was completely silent until Ronan whirled around and punched the hood of his car with a loud “Fuck!”.  
After another moment of only heavy breathing from Ronan, a hand touched his shoulder.  
“Ronan”, Gansey said with a gentle voice.  
Ronan turned around and looked in Gansey's troubled face. “I fucked up. I blew it, I knew I would. Fuck fucking shit.” Ronan knew that he was panicking. He couldn't breathe, the only thing he could hear was the break in Adam's voice, the look on his face. It was over, surely it was over. Ronan blew it. He fucked up like he always fucked up. He couldn't even keep the one good thing in his life. And he hurt Adam. He promised he would never hurt Adam and would kill those who did and now he did anyway. He fucked up fucked up.  
“-nan”  
Everything was over.  
“-onan”  
It couldn't be. AdamAdamAdamAdamAdam. Nonononononononononono  
“RONAN!”  
Suddenly Ronan could hear again. Everything was blurry and after a moment he realized that he was crying. He was sitting on the ground, Gansey and Henry crouching in front of him with worried faces.  
“Breathe, Ronan. In, one two three four. Hold, one two three four. Out, one two three four.”  
Ronan looked at Gansey, watched how he exaggerated breathing in and out. He matched his breathing to Gansey's and after a few minutes, he managed to calm down.  
“You good now?” Gansey asked.  
Ronan nodded. Then shook his head. “I fucked up, Gans. I fucked up so bad.”  
Gansey nodded with a grim look on his face. “I'm not going to lie, Ronan. What you said was extremely out of line. I got in trouble with Adam for less. And I've never seen him looking so hurt.”  
Ronan sobbed and Gansey looked shocked. It has been a while since Ronan cried to openly. Now it was Henry who placed a hand on Ronan's shoulder.  
“Calm down, farmboy. It's going to be okay.”  
Ronan shook his head. “No, it's not. It's probably over. I blew it.”  
Henry and Gansey simultaneously shook their heads. “It's not over, Ronan,” Gansey reassured him.  
Ronan glared at Gansey. “Of fucking course it is.”  
Gansey sighed. “Look, Ronan, you hurt him, yes, and you have to fix it. But I promise you, you can fix it.”  
Ronan chewed on his bracelets. “Yeah?”  
Henry snorted. “Are you kidding me? That boy is so in love with you it's crazy. He won't talk about anything except you during school. He is going to forgive you.”  
Ronan let out a breath and nodded. “Okay. Okay. I'm gonna fix it.”  
He stood up and got into his car, before closing the door however he looked at Henry and Gansey.  
“Thanks, I guess”, he nodded at Henry. “You're more tolerable than I thought.”  
Henry laughed. “I love you too man.”  
Ronan nodded, closed the door and drove off. 

3:36 PM  
_i am so so sorry Adam_  
3:36 PM  
_i love you_  
3:51 PM  
_answer me_  
4:03 PM  
_i kno that i shouldn't do this over text but I don't know if youre okay with me coming over_  
4:11  
_pick up_  
4:20 PM  
_sorry_  
5:05 PM  
_coming over._

Adam's car stood in front of St. Agnes, so he was home. But there was also another car. A car, Ronan recognized in an instant. And when the door of the building opened and a small figure stepped on the parking lot his assumption got verified. The small figure noticed him too and stomped up to his car and punched the window on Ronan's side.  
“Open the fucking door, Ronan!”, Blue yelled.  
Ronan did as he was told. He got out of the car and slouched against it. Blue hit him on the chest.  
“What the fuck Lynch? What is your problem?”  
Ronan looked away from her angry face. “I know. I messed up. I'm so sorry.”  
Something in his face must have told Blue something because she calmed down and looked at him in pity. “Fix it.”  
Ronan nodded. “That's why I'm here.”  
She nodded and turned to go to her car. Before she got there he asked, “Is it fixable?”. She stopped and took a deep breath.  
“I don't know, Ronan. But I do know that Adam never gives up on things, especially on things, or people for that matter, he cares deeply about. So you go up there and at least try. And if it doesn't work tonight you come back tomorrow.”  
Ronan nodded. “Thanks, Blue.”  
Blue smiled. “Don't get mushy, Lynch.” And with that she stepped into her car and drove of, leaving Ronan alone in the parking lot.  
After another couple of minutes, he finally opened the door to the building and walked up the small staircase to Adam's apartment. He stood in front of it breathing hard. He didn't know what to do.  
He knocked.  
He heard someone walking inside.  
The door opened.  
Adam stared at him.  
Ronan stared back.  
“Lynch.”  
“Adam”, Ronan's voice was small. He looked at the boy in front of him. Adam's hair was a mess, from running his hand through it an pulling on it, his face looked tired and his eyes were swollen and red from crying. Ronan swallowed.  
“Can I come in?”  
Adam closed his eyes for a moment and then let stepped aside to let Ronan walk past him.  
The apartment never seemed so small to Ronan until now. He just couldn't escape Adam's red-rimmed eyes. The hurt on his face. They stood in silence.  
“Ronan-”  
“Adam-” they started at the same time. Ronan took a deep breath. “Adam, just let me talk for a moment.”  
Adam mustered him, his face unreadable. He crossed his arms. “Okay.”  
Ronan nodded and took another deep breath. “What I said was inexcusable. Nevertheless, I am sorry. I love you, you know that. I love you more than anything. And. Sometimes. I just. Ugh.” Ronan ran a hand over his face and looked at Adam who still didn't let his emotions betray him. “Look, I talk without thinking. That's always been my weakness. That isn't an excuse for what I said, however. I just saw the bruise and I freaked. I thought about all the times you came to school with bruises and how I couldn't do shit back then. And it freaked me out to be in another situation where I can't protect you.”  
Adam uncrossed his arms. “You don't have to protect me. I'm not weak.”  
Ronan huffed out a breath. “God, no. No you are the strongest person I know. I mean, you are the most badass person ever. You stay calm when I freak out, you protected me so many times, of other people or myself. But I still want to protect you, even though I fucking know that you could do it yourself. Because that's what boyfriends do. That's what friends do. Hell, that's what every decent person would do. But what I said wasn't protecting you. It was hurting you. And I hate myself for that. I don't know if you'll forgive me, but I hope you'll think about it. I love you, and I'll do anything to fix this. Okay. I'm done now. You can talk.”  
Adam shook his head, but his face wasn't as expressionless as before. Now he just looked tired and sad. “I don't know what to say, Ronan. Yes, you hurt me. You hit me where it hurts most. But I guess I know that you didn't mean it. And I guess I overreacted a little.”  
“You didn't overreact. You reacted the right amount. Don't invalidate your feelings. You have the right to be angry.” Ronan said.  
Adam watched him with a thoughtful face. Then he nodded. “Okay, yes I'm angry. But I'm going to forgive you. Not now, obviously, but I will. I just need a little bit space right now.”  
Ronan nodded eagerly and couldn't help but smile. “Okay. Okay. Space. You can have that. You can come to me as soon as you're ready. I love you.”  
That brought a small smile to Adam's face as well and Ronan couldn't help but grin to himself when he walked out of Adam's apartment. 

It was Christmas and Ronan hadn't heard of Adam since Monday. He was feeling terrible because he knew Adam would spend his Christmas alone in his apartment instead of here with Ronan and his brothers. Declan and Matthew, of course, noticed Ronan's bad mood but decided to leave him after Ronan yelled at Declan after being asked what was wrong.  
They already went to church, where Ronan looked up to Adam's apartment longingly, baked cooked and watched one cheesy Christmas movie when someone knocked on the door. Ronan groaned and got up to open the door. Outside stood Adam.  
AdamAdamAdam.  
Adam in a dark blue dress shirt and black jeans.  
Adam who looked gorgeous.  
Adam who smiled shyly up at Ronan.  
Adam who had a bag with presents.  
AdamAdamAdam.  
“Adam”, Ronan said.  
Adam smiled. “Ronan. Merry Christmas.”  
“You're here.”  
“Yes, I'm here. Can I come in?”  
Ronan scrambled to open the door and let Adam in. “Of course, come in. We're watching The Grinch.”  
Adam smiled and followed Ronan into the living room where Declan and Matthew looked at Adam curiously.  
“Guys, Adam is here.”  
“Hi Adam”, Matthew yelled happily.  
“Hello Adam”, Declan said more seriously.  
“Hey Matt, Declan.”  
Declan looked at Ronan. “Can I ask why he is here? At Christmas?”  
Ronan glared at his older brother until he felt Adam's hand on his lower back. “Because I'm his boyfriend. I hope that's not a problem.”  
Declan, to Ronan's surprise, actually smiled. “No, of course not. Join us, we're watching The Grinch.”  
So Adam joined them. 

Later that night Ronan and Adam stood in Ronan's room.  
“So..”, Ronan said.  
Adam sighed. “I know what you're not asking.”  
Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?”  
Adam smiled. “Yes, and I don't know if I've fully forgiven you, but I know that I want to keep you, keep this, us. I wanted to celebrate Christmas with you. I want to kiss you. I want to protect you and I want you to protect me. I love you.”  
Ronan sucked in a breath and almost choked. Coughing he looked at Adam who tried and failed, not to laugh. “You what?”  
“I love you, got a problem with that?”  
Ronan shook his head and stepped into Adam's space. “No, not at all. I love you too.”  
And then they kissed. 

Bonus:  
“What was your deal when I asked you about celebrating Christmas here? I know there was something on your mind.”  
Adam laughed. “Oh, I just remembered that I hadn't gotten you a present yet and didn't know what to get you.”  
Ronan rolled his eyes. “Oh man, you had me worried. So what did you get me?”  
Adam smirked. “You'll have to wait until tomorrow.”  
“Okay.” Ronan smiled and kissed Adam's forehead. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.”


End file.
